Such a beautiful horizon

It's the final day of 2008 and what a year it's been. I began the year disenfranchised with my job and thought I'd seek employment elsewhere. I gave it a chance but after a few weeks realised that it wouldn't get any better. I chose to stay on til I got news of my annual bonus before informing my boss of my intentions.

I'd been there too long. I'd enjoyed good times but the work had died down over the past couple of years and I'd felt that my roll was less and less important. Additionally, I'd had something of an epiphany in May 2006 when I went on holiday to Barcelona. I went with some friends, a married couple. but mostly toured the city alone. It's a really beautiful city with great architecture and I visited a few art museums. In my youth I'd had artistic inclinations, doing Art A Level and even got a place on an Art Foundation course. By the time it came to start the course I'd had enough of drawing and painting and wanted to pursue my interest in films and television so, instead, did a National Diploma in Media. This change of course eventually lead me to working for an insurance conglomerate.

I don't know if it happened exactly this way, but I'll tell it this way because it adds a metaphysical element to the story. I'd spent the day looking round Barcelona but retreated to the apartment because I was feeling a little run down. I had a chocolate biscuit and a strong cup of coffee and immediately felt better. It was only about 5pm so I consulted one of the guide books we had and decided to take a look at Parc Guell, which was designed by Gaudi.

I took the subway from Las Ramblas and then had a walk, uphill of about a mile to the park. It was raining as I got off the subway and so took shelter at or near the university. Once the rain had subsided I continued on my journey. The park itself is decorated by serpent designs and is overlooked by a cross on a hill. I took the spiralling trail to the top of the hill and, standing next to the crucifix, had a wonderful view of the city. It was at that moment that the sun came out. I'm not religious so the presence of a cross is incidental but the sun did come out after it had been raining. It was at this moment that I began to truly question the nature of my job. What value did it bring not only to me but to society?

Upon my return to work a few days later I really struggled to work conscientiously as I had done before. It all seemed so pointless. It was an occupation. I'd fallen out of love with what I was doing. It's obvious that, as I write this on the cusp of 2009, that I didn't act immediately and take hold of my life. Instead, I became lethargic and in a state of limbo because I didn't know what to do. It was clear that I didn't want to work in an office for the rest of my life but I couldn't see an affordable way to get out of it.

Twelve months ago I felt thoroughly miserable as this cycle was coming to an end. I'd managed to muster some motivation to continue working but there wasn't enough work to be excited about. Shortly after I'd made my decision to leave there was an announcement at work about potential restructuring. Anyone with any nous could see that this would mean redundancies. As my colleagues took the news with concern I privately smiled to myself because, having taken the decision to leave, I thought I was above it all now.

It was only a few months before this that a former housemate and longest standing colleague had taken redundancy. He'd had what I considered to be a long slow death by coming to work for months but in a directionless fashion. I wanted to have more control and was certain that I would just find another job rather than go through the rigmarole of redundancy. I'd never considered the financial implications of redundancy for myself. It was only when I sat down with my boss to discuss my apparent ambivalent reaction to the "restructure" announcement that I realised that I would likely benefit financially from redundancy.

I barely slept that night as a wave of realisations swept over me. I may soon be able to end the cycle of debt reconciliation and do something I want to do. I thought about what I really wanted to to do and it came down to three things: actor; comedian; singer-songwriter. I'd wanted to be a comedian when I was younger but partly lost interest and partly had no ideas. In my late twenties I think I'd started to find myself and what I was about. Whereas previously I'd tried to fit in to an existing model, I'd now felt comfortable fitting in as myself. I'd had a number of comedy ideas in my head for a while and eventually (not immediately) started to type them up. More ideas began to flow, not only in comedy but musically too when I started to come up with a few different musical ideas in the space of a week. I was experiencing my own Renaissance.

This was couple with an absolute lack of activity at work. I'd decided and had a tacet agreement with my boss that I would sit out redundancy. No longer was I covertly surfing the net, instead I built up a routine of reading The Guardian online almost page by page and then different subjects on wikipedia. This actually proved harder and harder as time went on and never before have I had to be so resolute.

I have not yet performed as a comedian and unless something crazy happens tonight, I won't be doing so in 2008. I experienced a block when work came to an end and I also questioned my ability after I discovered that two jokes I'd written were the same or similar to jokes by Jerry Seinfeld and Mark Steele. I wondered how much of what I'd written was just in fact the regurgitation of my subconscious memory of other comedians work. Not only that, I don't think I have straight gags and there's an esoteric nature about some of it. All I need is the confidence to try it out. And the confidence to compile in act form first because I'm not going to be in a pub/club when someone says "We need an act, can anyone do 5 minutes?"

I have no tangible achievements this year but I've got back in touch with the self who disappeared a few years ago, lost in debt and determined to pay for things with a successful job. I still need a good job for the time being but I hope I don't look back in twelve months with a handful of excuses as to why I haven't stepped on stage in 2009. I'm not looking for fame, I'm looking for satisfaction and catharsis through performance and expression.